Be Present

A few days ago, I saw a video of a restaurant in Chicago that was absolutely beautiful. It was on the river, and it felt like midsummer, so people could eat outside and see the city and the river; it was just beautiful. I remember seeing the video and immediately imagining myself being there. And as I imagined, I felt this feeling of being overwhelmed, about the space, the number of people that were there, the views, everything suddenly overwhelmed me. And I immediately paused and asked God, “What is that feeling?” Because I’ve felt this feeling before, multiple times growing up, and even recently in my life. And God showed me something very interesting about this feeling of anxiety and overstimulation.

He showed me what I naturally do when I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. The common denominator every time is this: my mind, and how I resort to it. How I flee to it in "big spaces” or in unfamiliar territory. I feel like if I can mentally grasp what’s happening, or could happen, it would make me feel safer (which sounds crazy when I type this out because… how could you mentally grasp something that you haven’t experienced or something that’s unfamiliar to you; it’s unfamiliar, meaning not known or recognized by you, you can’t grasp it because you have no understanding of it). And this leads to the “overload”; the feeling and action of, “I need to go somewhere; I need to escape”. Because I’m trying to fit what I don’t know into something I can understand, and it’s too much. This is an example of me leaning and relying on my own understanding. And I don’t want to make this post about others doing it too, yet I know I’m not the only one.

Have you ever walked into a crowded room, or into a place where nothing feels familiar, and immediately found the nearest corner, seat, or even bathroom just to gather yourself? Or to even go invisible for a moment? Everything seems to be happening at once, and your mind interprets it as too much to process. That feeling? I felt this feeling so much growing up, whether I was at a family’s house, my own house and we had family over, if we were at a restaurant, anywhere that wasn’t home; I would find somewhere to go so that I could safely process what was happening.

Do you see what I’m saying, though? “I would find somewhere to go so that I could safely process what was happening”… or in other words, “I would find space for me to think about what’s happening instead of being present and living out this experience”.

And that was God’s resolve when I asked Him how to overcome this feeling: be present.

As I went back through my memory of the times when I would flee, I always found myself deep in thought. Anxious, heavy, confused, scared. And it was all because I couldn’t fathom actually living and being present in a space that was unknown to me. So, I resorted to trying to make myself mentally prepared to engage the many different unknown spaces. And the truth is, more times than not (like 99% of the time), I wouldn’t engage. And it always happened that towards the end of the event or outing or whatever, I would always think back and say to myself, “I wish I had done this or that”. Why? It was at that moment, when I was leaving, that I realized maybe this was a safe space, maybe I had nothing to be afraid of, or now that this space is coming to an end, it wasn’t so bad. My mind and my reliance on understanding things, took so many experiences away from me.

I genuinely can’t tell you how much I’ve missed out on certain things, conversations, potential memories, all because of my mind. Trying to think my way through life instead of just being present and experiencing life.

And as I sat with these things over the past few days, I’m reminded of how God has been telling me for a couple of years now, yes, years, to “just live”. Just experience life. In actually being present is where you gain an experience of God, gain wisdom, gain good memories; not sitting in your head trying to understand it all, yet missing all of it. I can’t think my way through life, because it’s impossible to have peace that way. I can’t experience things if I’m thinking too much; I will miss so much, as I already have. I have to just live and experience life. And that feels scary-

Actually, as I’m writing this… it doesn’t feel scary. It actually feels relieving.

I say this because when I first asked God, “What is this feeling?” His immediate response was, “What do you want? What about this restaurant is appealing to you?” And I told Him, “Well, the space itself is beautiful; the lighting, the intimate feeling of the space, the city views, the river, it's all something that I want to experience.” And that’s when He told me, “So then be present when you go.” It sounds so obvious, but yes, “Just be present so that you can experience it.” Being present is how we can experience life to its fullest and not miss out on anything. It’s a way that our memories can be full. The enemy doesn't want us present because when we are, we’re learning that we don't have to be in the space he wants us in, quiet and alone/invisible. We don't have to be invisible, and we learn and understand this by being present, not in our heads.  

I realize that I don’t have to think about… anything. I’m not saying go through life oblivious, lol. But God showed me that I don’t have to be anxious, overwhelmed, and overstimulated; I can just stay present. And you can too. That is why I’m making this post, so that you can know that you don’t have to be overwhelmed if you just stay present and stop trying to wrap your mind around something that is happening in real time.

Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; And lean not unto thine own understanding.” Another version says to “not rely on your own insight or understanding”. Don’t run to your mind, trying to rely on your own understanding, because your understanding is incomplete (1 Corinthians 13:9). That’s what we do naturally; we want to understand things, which is okay. But when you seek to understand more than you seek to experience, you run into anxiety and what feels like a huge weight. Because where you can’t understand until you experience requires one thing: faith.

Verse 6 says to acknowledge God in all your ways, and He will direct your paths. But He can’t direct your paths if you’re constantly in your head trying to plan your own path. There’s no room for sound wisdom; it’s all of your incomplete understanding guiding you through life, leaving you feeling anxious and heavy all the time. He says, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavily burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). Meaning, let go of needing to understand everything, and just live with God. Stop relying on your own understanding to make you feel comfortable and safe, and just live and know that “I am your God”… and that you can experience life and have a good time.

That’s another space, I feel like it’s a crime to have a good time. I feel like I don’t deserve to have a good time, or that all good times aren’t good because something bad will happen. I believed that being quiet, alone, and in my head all of the time was “safe” for me, until I realized… that only led to more anxiety and heaviness. That's why I felt and feel like I can't have a good time... having a good time is unknown to me. So whenever I do have a good time, I expect myself to go back into hiding, because that’s what’s known to me; that’s what’s familiar. That "something bad will happen" is me going back into hiding. I’d feel like, "Something bad will happen," or, "I'm not going to be happy again like this"… yet in reality, my thoughts are what make me feel unhappy. My thought life is what makes me anxious. How I thought and think makes me sad, anxious, and heavy. And I expected to think that way, because I believed that being alone and quiet was safe. So I return to it. Time and time again. But all of this is fear disguised as “safety”; it’s robbing you and me of experiencing the life God wants for us that we can 1000% have. That He is offering right now. But our thoughts have to be put away, and we have to submit ourselves to just living, learning, and being present. Things go wayyyy smoother when we are present, in the moment, and focused on what’s happening in front of us. Being present is how we can learn the easiest.

Can you, by thinking, add a single good thing? An hour? A solution? Comfort? A safe passage? No. You can’t (Matthew 6:27).

So live in the moment, with God. Just live and be present.