No More “What If’s”

I bought a car at the end of April, and I want to share some of the things that I realized about this entire process.

In my life, I've always let the big decisions be decided by my parents. And any time that a decision came down to me, I always found a way to shy away from deciding on my own. The responsibility of deciding an outcome for my own life always felt like "too much". And as a kid, I feared "the wrong decision could change my life and ruin it", so I never wanted to make a big decision. Better yet, I actually wanted to make decisions and be the man that made them, but I didn't know how to be. I never wanted to be fearful, but I was.

Before buying this car, I had been through a few options. And with all of these options, and since early this year when I first went to see a car, I felt that anxious feeling of "having to decide". "Am I really doing this?" "What if this-" and "what if that". I learned as a kid to live in the "what if's"; because I thought my "what if's" was me being "cautious"; it was me being wise to "think of all the outcomes"... not knowing that there's a difference between counting costs and living in fear and never moving. My what if's became the reason I never moved.

In reality, "what if's" aren’t based on wisdom. They’re based on our understanding of what we see. That's dangerous. Think about it; if God tells me "You're okay, you’re doing well.", I can't hear or receive that truth because of my "what if's?" and “what about’s?” Then comes the lack of peace, joy, love, life… for no reason. That’s crazy. Whenever God speaks, and I can't see the outcome (which is like, most of if not all of the time), I tend to lean into the "what if's", instead of leaning in and trusting Him because HE'S the one that's speaking.

Leaning in means trusting Him. And I can confirm, every single time that I've leaned in, He's always been there, He’s always been true, and He’s always been trustworthy. That's what I've noticed about me having this car now and the process of me getting it. I prayed before getting it time, and time, and time again. And God continuously told me to relax.

"Relax, I have you."

"You're good" is what He kept telling me.

These are His words. And now, it's on me to listen to them instead of my "what if's". It's because He said so. It's because He said "Go ahead". It's because He said, "I have you."

Remember when I said I had this anxiety about big decisions?

I remember getting the car and I kid you not, I felt real calm about it. And still feel calm about it. Yes, I'm happy to now have my own set of wheels. But I don't see it as more than that. I thought something was wrong when I seen everyone excited and smiling except me. "How do you feel?" is what I was asked. And my truest answer was, "I feel fine, really chill actually." I thought because of the anxiety I felt, that the "payoff" in the decision made would be greater than what I felt but, it wasn't. And it definitely wasn’t a bad thing.

With this experience, God was showing me that there was no need for my anxiety. Him saying "relax" was all I needed to do. Because it's not something to be anxious about. It's very nice, to get the car and have the car. Even as the days pass, I find myself finding new things about it that I didn't at first. But that first feeling of being calm and chill let me know one thing:

The anxiety I felt was pointless.

And now I can see that my anxiety about big decisions is useless as well. That's what God wanted me to see.

All this time, since January when I got my first "no", to now having the car, I genuinely thought I'd feel on top of the world. "WHAAAAT!!! I JUST GOT MY FIRST CAR, AHHHHHH!!!!!", is what I expected from me. But if you know me, that's not ME, and that's not what this is. I am very happy with my car and how the process of getting it took place. Because I learned a lot about me and a lot about what I can set down now: my anxiety about big decisions. Because God spoke, and His word about me being okay, Him being with me, and everything going well, reigned true.

Now, that's what I can lean on; not my natural instinct to "what if".