Onto Trust

This past Friday, I went to the dealership, and I was planning on getting my first car. And it ended up not happening. Was I upset? Yes. Why? Because I had done everything right: Tier 1 credit, saved up money, got the monthly payment I wanted, was able to put down what I was comfortable with; everything was perfect. They even told me that everything looked good on paper. But it came back that I still needed a co-signer who also had Tier 1 credit, or they would have to raise my monthly payment by $100 for me to get the car without a co-signer.

I felt like I did everything right. There was nothing more that I could do in that moment. I felt like, “I’m doing everything I can, but it didn’t work out. What’s going on?” A part of me felt helpless. What more could I do? I couldn’t have done anything more. And for a couple of days, it sat funny with me. I was irritated at the fact that NOTHING worked, and there seemed to be nothing that would work but time. This entire past week, I have been wrestling with my flesh; not wanting to wait and being frustrated that I have to…even though I know that better is on the way. Because…

It felt like all I've been doing is waiting up to this point.

But what I can say is this: for a long time, I have been waiting for a lot of things. And I’ve seen God’s hand move throughout my life, and I know that He is with me and that He cares for me.

A couple of Januaries ago, my sister and I wanted new phones, and we decided that we would go and get new lines with a different carrier than my parents, simply because we didn’t want to wait any longer. But as we were about to proceed, the down payment for the phones and new lines didn’t go through, and we were wondering why. We had enough money, we had everything we needed, but it didn’t go through. Then, later that year in October, new phones came out, and my parents were able to get this unreal deal on these phones; a deal that literally made what we wanted to do in January look foolish. Better was ahead; we just had to wait for it.

During that waiting, did we have moments when we were irritated with our current phones and situation? Absolutely. But better was on the way. We didn’t know that we would get the phones in the way that we got them, but we did, and it was better than what we could’ve ever imagined. It was laughable how everything played out, and it is something that I’ll never forget.

Why did I share that story? Right now, I find it very hard to wait, believing that “better” is on the way. I don’t doubt that better is on the way…as a matter of fact, I believe that better is on the way. I know that better is on the way. But in all honesty, I do not want to wait for better. Even though I know it’s coming, and I know that God’s favor is with me, I don’t want to wait for better.

And that is okay.

I don’t know what better looks like. I don’t know what God wants for me. I don’t know the favor that He has in store for me. But what I can say is that I know His favor is with me, and I know that I can trust Him. Even if I don’t want to wait, I can trust Him. I can trust that He has me and that I don’t have to worry about anything.

I don’t know what’s next. A part of me was hesitant to even share this THIS soon because I wanted some sort of revelation or answer to all of this. I wanted to piece together this whole experience and circumstance, but that’s not my job; God will do that, and I trust Him. And I do think that sharing all of this whilst being in this “middle space,” or this kind of “unknown-what seems like a gray area,” and having all of these questions is helpful…to someone. I don’t know.

But I can still choose to trust God. And I do. Through what feels like frustration, I can still trust Him.

No, I don’t want to wait. And it feels like I have to. But I can trust Him.