The Journey from Not Knowing to Knowing…

Hey, I’m Marcus. This is the story of my life and how I arrived here with Harvested Moments. It is the story of my journey, from not knowing to knowing. I’ll start by saying this: our lives have a purpose to them that we find out while finding ourselves. And to find yourself and your purpose, you have to go to the one who created you, God. Now, I know there are questions that we ask ourselves like, “How am I supposed to do that?”, or, “What am I supposed to say?”, or, “What am I even supposed to do?” I asked all of those questions. And all my life, I have heard people tell me, “Just talk to God like you would talk to me”. And it always confused me because I thought, “Surely it’s not that simple, I must present myself in an honorable way. This is God we’re talking about”. When in reality, there is nothing honorable about who we are without him. We must go to him as we are. And I have also heard that a thousand times, and it took me so long to understand it, but now I do. So I will take you through the journey of my life and how I got here. How I got to the point where I know a piece of my purpose, how Harvested Moments came about, and the countless amounts of times that I cried out to God and saw zero change… and why. And how one time, when I did cry out to Him, things started to change, and I will share why they changed. I mean, it’s only right that my first blog post is a backstory of how all of this came about, right? Well, let’s just start somewhere back in 2021…

Now, over the span of my lifetime, I am currently 22, I have always been surrounded by a family of believers in God. And I knew that God was real, and I always wanted to live a life led by Him, but I never knew how to connect with him. And I prayed a lot, and there were moments when I could say, “God did this and that for me.” But deep down in me, I felt no real connection to anything that was happening in those moments. And in 2021, I began to have this feeling in me that I could not shake. It was a searing gut feeling that told me I was not where I needed to be. It would come and go from time to time, but one day, as I was going to football practice, I had that deep-rooted feeling in me that I was not where I needed to be. I had a love for football, but it wasn’t enough for me to continue to be somewhere doing something that did not speak to my very being. So I stepped away from it, and in my mind, I knew that was the right thing to do. But I was scared because I didn’t know what was next. When I got home that night, I broke down in tears because, for a long time, I had been feeling “that feeling”; the feeling of being lost and knowing I needed to be somewhere that I was not, and it was an instant release. And I know now that it was a release because that was me taking the first step towards my purpose. For some time after, I did the wrong thing and tried to figure out what spoke to my heart. Now, I say it was the “wrong thing” because what I should have done was seek God, but I didn’t do that. And I can now say, how could I have known? Looking back, I can have grace with myself because… naturally, I would try to find what to do on my own. I hadn’t yet learned how much I really can rely on God, even when I’m clueless about what’s next in my life. But that’s me now. And back then, I couldn’t have known how to seek God for myself. I didn’t want to then. But what is hilarious to me now is that God still spoke to me and guided me to photography. I’m slightly jumping ahead of myself here, but I would begin to take photos with my friends, and they would always compliment me on the pictures I take. I never paid it any mind because my mind was focused on trying to find something that would sustain me. Honestly, something that would make me rich. Nevertheless, let’s jump to 2022…

Still not knowing what I needed to do, and still not going to God with my life, I was going about life trying to find that one thing that spoke to me, and that ultimately made me rich. I was at work one day, and I had just gotten back from being on leave because I was sick, and as I clocked in and was walking to my department, I heard a “very present” voice in my head say, “You won’t be here for long.” “Very present,” meaning, it was clear. It wasn’t loud; it was clear and very direct. And I’m thinking to myself, “I’m only thinking this because I don’t feel like being here right now”. Which was true, I genuinely did not feel like working that day. But then I wondered if God was speaking to me. So, I laughed to myself and said, “Okay God, when should I leave then?” The voice I heard, again, very presently said, “Right now”. The smile I had at that moment disappeared. And I knew it was God because I would’ve never thought to quit my job. I had just graduated from high school, and in my head, I thought that I needed to work this job, and I needed to get money somehow. Now, I didn’t quit my job that day. And that was because I was too afraid to take my entire life and put it into God’s hands. I did not know how to hear from God or seek Him. But that’s the funniest part: I said, “I did not know how to hear from God or seek Him”… thing is, I didn’t do anything at all but speak to Him. And He answered me. It’s not, “What do I need to do to hear from God?” as if there are some sort of qualifications you need to hear from Him. We’re never qualified on our own. There is nothing we could ever do to earn anything in Him, especially not a relationship with Him. But that’s what God wants; He wants a relationship. That’s why He spoke to me, and that’s why He speaks to all of us. Because that’s what He wants. The question is, do you want that as well? I really wanted to know if God was speaking to me, so I spoke back to what I heard, and I got an answer. That moment was such a surprise to me. I didn’t seek God for Him to speak to me; He just did. I went home after work and told my mom about it, and she wasn’t surprised. She told me, “I was just talking to your dad, and I knew you were not going to be at that job for long. It’s time for something new, and I felt that in my heart. So if you heard that, I would advise you to listen to that voice. We will support whatever you decide to do.” At that moment, I understood that something bigger than myself was at hand. There’s a scripture that says “There is one body of believers and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when called to salvation— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of us all who is sovereign over all and working through all and living in all.” Ephesians‬ ‭4‬:‭4‬-‭6‬.‬ Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” The same voice that spoke to me clearly spoke to my parents. How is it, I go to work, and I hear a voice tell me something, then I go home and hear my mom say the exact same thing? So if there is one Spirit, and multiple people heard the same thing, it had to be God. And once my mom told me she felt the same thing, I knew it was God speaking. A few weeks later, I quit my job and, again, I felt a release from a burden I didn’t realize I was holding. I just felt free. I felt like I was doing the right thing. For maybe a week or two, I just relaxed and enjoyed being out of work. I had worked for two years straight, and not having to go back felt amazing. But after my few weeks of rest, I felt a strong unction in me to start seeking God. I mean, after all, He is the one who told me to quit my job, so I have to stay in faith and keep moving the way He needs me to. But to me, that was so scary. I took one step in faith, and that was quitting my job, but I knew I needed to keep moving in faith. I didn’t know that I was moving in faith at the time, but I was. Faith is what you do because you believe. Romans 10:17 says, “So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” I heard something from God, and I did something because of what I heard. That’s faith. Proverbs 3:6 says, “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths”. To be honest, I only sought God for maybe half a day. And in that half of a day, it felt good to be seeking Him; it felt like I was doing the right thing. But it also felt tedious to seek after God in EVERYTHING I did. So I fell off. Sometime in August 2021, my dad came to me and presented me with the opportunity to go to school online instead of in person. Which, to me, was amazing because I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do. And so a few weeks later, I enrolled, and I started school and found a sense of purpose in that. But still, I felt far away from God. I had no peace, and I thought to myself, “I’ll never have a relationship with God, it is too much of a commitment that I don’t think I will ever be ready for.” “Too much of a commitment”… God gave me the game plan for how our relationship goes with Him: He speaks, we listen, we do, we recieve peace, weights lifted off of us; thats how this goes. But I didn’t see that then. When He spoke to me about football, I listened, I did, and I received peace. When he spoke at my job, I listened, I did, and I received peace. That was the model. In this part of my journey, I was still in the “not knowing” space. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what was right for me, but I didn’t do it. I knew enough to move, but I acted like I didn’t know at all. So I didn’t move. I didn’t want to, and up to that point, I never told God that.

I finished my first semester, and now it’s January 2023. My church started doing 6 am prayer on Zoom, and my dad had also sent me a Bible reading plan that would have me read the entire Bible in a year. Great. I knew that I should read, but I did not have the will in me to do it. I didn’t even have the will in me to start checking in to 6 am prayer either. But I was talking to my dad, and he told me that it would change my life. To me, that was a big statement. So, I decided to get up at 6 am and pray, and after that, I would read my Bible according to the reading plan. I did all of this to try to connect with God. For a few days, I did it willingly, but a few days later, I began to just roll over at 6 am, join Zoom, and fall back to sleep. I did it slothfully, and I did not see a change. But I kept getting up at 6 am, and some days I would wake up and be fully awake, but honestly, that was only once or twice. And on the last day of January, this was the last day that prayer at 6 am was going to happen for a while, I prayed on Zoom, and I felt that feeling again. The feeling that I did the right thing, I did what God needed me to do. At this point, I recognized this feeling, and I decided to continue to wake up at 6 am and pray and read my Bible from Genesis all the way to Revelation. As I got up day after day to read and get my day started earlier, I started getting consistent in my work at school. I would get things done earlier in the day, and I would not be working or studying until 5 pm or sometime in the evening. But still, there was a disconnect. Because even though I woke up early to read my Bible, I would be half asleep just skimming through the chapters in hopes that I would see a change, just because I was consistent in something. But there was no change. I still felt so distant and ashamed of how I was handling that space. I knew I needed to be willing to get up and read my Bible, but there was no will in me to do that. As time went on, I felt myself getting further and further away from God. I knew that I should seek Him in all of my ways, but the last time I tried that, it all just felt tedious. I was still reading my Bible, but I wasn’t trying to build any connection with God. I was not being honest with Him.

In the midst of all of this, God saw me moving this way and He left me to my own decisions. He left me to do these things. He knew that it would drive me to a point where I couldn’t take that way of life anymore. And that is exactly what happened. Every single day just felt like the same thing. My life felt like one long day, with no purpose, no change, and no growth. I continued to feel lost, dwelling on past things, and driving myself crazy; I had no peace. I felt like I was wasting my life away. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, and it scared the life out of me. I was petrified, and I felt trapped because I knew what I should do, but I didn’t do those things. I didn’t want to seek God, and I continued to go in circles. So, one night I told Him that. It was around 2 am, and I was watching a show of some sort. When I just felt the need to reach for Him. It wasn’t miraculous; it was very genuine. I was hurting, sad, scared, and I had no idea what to do but say these things. So, I paused my show and told God, “I know that I should seek You and I know that I need a relationship with You, but nothing in me wants to do what it takes to get that. It feels like such a daunting task to just seek You all day, every day. I can’t even recognize Your voice. I don’t even know if I am being genuine as I talk to You right now, and I want to be, at least I think I do, but I don’t know how. And I said these same things before, so it just feels like I’m going in circles. I don’t even know if I can say sorry, because I don’t really know if I mean it. I do feel like I want to be genuine with You because maybe I will hear You. I don’t know, I just feel lost.” And after I said these things, I resumed my show and went on about my night. Later on in life, actually not too long ago as of right now, God reminded me of this moment. And He told me, “That was the very first time you were honest with Me.” I didn’t know it at the time, but my life was about to change.

There was one day after that night when I just felt completely drained and defeated. I did not know what I was going to do with my life, and I was completely lost. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what job to pursue or how I was going to make money. No, it was that I was aware of myself and who I was. I was aware of the man I saw in the mirror, and I didn’t like what I saw. He was a man with no direction in life; again, I’m not talking about a career, I’m talking about purpose. “Why?” and “For what?” were my biggest questions. The house I wanted, the cars, the wife and kids; why? for what? What do those things mean if I still feel how I feel? Why? For what? What for? Why am I pursuing these things? Who am I supposed to be? Because if I’m the same person as I am now with those things, so what? Still miserable, still lost, confused, all of it. It felt like a big hole in my life…something that can’t be bought with money had to fill that space, and I knew that, but I didn’t know what it was. I remember being on my phone, and I saw a video of a woman speaking about “forever” in God. She was talking about Heaven and what it may be like according to what the Bible says, and for some reason, that video spoke to my heart. The thought of forever with God was something that, at that moment, I desired the most. Not a car, not a house, not money; above all things in that moment, I felt so lost and drained, and I just wanted a connection with God. I didn’t care what it took to get it. I wanted it…and I wanted it enough to do something about it. I then turned off my computer and my phone, turned on a few lights, got quiet, and began to just tell God, simply, “I’m tired”. I told Him what I was thinking and feeling at that very moment. And I felt a sense of honesty because I held nothing back when I just sat and spoke to Him. I told God, “I don’t want my way of life anymore. I’m scared and confused, and I just want to know what You want me to do. I just want to hear from You. I need some sense of guidance. I don’t know what to do. And even though it feels so tedious to seek You in everything, I will do it if that means that I can hear from You daily and in everything. I won’t stop seeking You until You say something, because something has to change. I only want to hear from You, I don’t care about anything else.” And the very next thing I heard and felt in my heart was one word that I knew God was saying to me. It was “move”. I knew exactly what it meant. All He said was “move”, but what that meant was, “No matter how tedious it looks, I need you to show Me that you want to hear from Me. Plenty of times you’ve tried to seek Me, and you gave up all of those times. You said it was tedious, but now, what will you do? Will you move? Will you seek Me with all of your heart? I understand that you don’t know My voice. You are not familiar with My voice, obviously. You’ve never truly sought Me with all of your heart. But now, I just need you to be faithful. In that space, My voice becomes clear to you. Just move. Anything you think I am telling you to do, just do it. My voice will become clear when you continue to faithfully seek Me. I want peace and happiness for you; it is My pleasure to give these things to you. But you have to want these things, not from the world and from your own works, but from Me, God.”

So, I began to seek God every single day. Every single moment of the day, I just talked to Him and listened to whatever I thought He was saying. I didn’t know if I was hearing Him or myself. And I didn’t care…whatever it took to get to Him and learn His voice. I didn’t need to do anything extra. I just needed to talk to Him. As you would talk to your best friend, talk to God. Tell Him everything. He already knows what you are feeling and thinking. He just needs you to bring it to Him so you can acknowledge that it is in His hands now. And you have to allow Him to take care of everything you bring to Him. Ask God how He wants you to grow out of those dead spaces you were in. It is a two-part thing; once you bring it to Him, you have to face it. Don’t just forget about it; you have to grow out of it. It’s not going to be easy to face certain things, but just know that on the other side of the pain that you may feel is freedom and a life of peace given to you by God. You have to want the life God has for you more than the life you built, which was being comfortable with your uncomfortability. And I wanted it, I wanted God’s way of life more than my way of life, with everything in me. As I continued to seek Him in every single thing that I did and in every single moment of the day, I heard Him speak to me, and I knew it was Him. I had just gotten done doing something that I believed He told me to do, when I heard, “Sit down.” I didn’t know if it was Him or not, but I did it anyway. I was in my room, again, I sat quietly and still, and I felt His presence ease upon me. The best way I can describe it is that I felt chills. But those chills didn’t come from a physical presence. Imagine you’ve been carrying around a heavy bag on your back for 19 years, and someone comes along and picks you up, takes the bag, and begins to carry you…effortlessly. That’s how it felt. The chills came from the Voice I heard tell me, “I’ve got you.” And with the Voice came the relief. I said, “So, this is what peace is…?” I immediately heard God say, “Yes.” I smiled and said a word, I didn’t even know if it was a real word at the time, but I said, “Blissfulness.” We then began to converse. I laughed, smiled, felt joy; all of the things I didn’t know were possible to feel…at least, not like how I felt them. These feelings didn’t feel fleeting; they felt very present. He began telling me about my life, just like the Samaritan Woman at the well in John 4. It blew my mind. It was like I was talking to someone who had been walking with me my entire life. He knew everything; my every thought, feeling, and emotion at every single moment of my life. He knew it all and recalled them. I had no idea what He would say next, but I was hooked on every Word. He knew me better than I knew myself. He brought up so many moments in my life and began telling me how He was there, the things I felt, the things I thought, the things I wanted; just like He did with Nathaniel in John 1. He began to explain things to me; things I was confused about, unsure of, and all of my worries went away. Some of my questions were still there, of course…but my worries about them? Gone. I was talking to Someone who knew me completely. And any worry that I had was now gone because I knew I could trust in this Voice. And this Voice would speak every single answer. “I’ve got you” meant, “I know you don’t know what to do, but I do. I know you don’t know how to live, but I know how you can.” “I’ve got you” meant, “I have all of your answers.” “I’ve got you” meant that I no longer needed to worry about anything, not even what I would do with my life. I didn’t immediately know what my life would consist of, but the one thing that I was sure of was that He would provide everything I needed; all wisdom, all understanding. All.

That is how Harvested Moments came about. I went to God with everything. One evening, my dad asked my sister and I what we needed for our purpose. He asked us, “What are the things that you guys need internally and externally to help you grow in your purpose?” And I did not know the answer to that question because I did not know my purpose. So, I brought it to God. To be honest, I was scared to ask Him because I was in a beautiful space with God, and every time I asked Him about my purpose before I had gotten saved, I didn’t get an answer. I wasn’t able to get an answer in the past because I truly did not want to know. I knew that “knowing” meant responsibility in a space that I was not familiar with. I was comfortable in my uncomfortability. But this time, although I was slightly weary, I still asked Him. And He told me to start writing down on my iPad the things He needed me to have. And first, I wrote down the things I believed He needed me to have physically. Like cameras, lenses, a car, etc. Then I began to write down what I felt I needed internally, and God showed me that I needed peace and rest. And day after day, I continued to go back to the document, and surprisingly, God began to answer all of my questions. He showed me how to achieve the peace and rest He needed me to have. He told me to achieve this peace and rest, I had to take my mind off of the worries of the world, and my past, and place it on Him and His kingdom. And as I did that, He began to feed me with work, the work He needed me to carry out in this life. His exact words were, and I am going to type it the same way I wrote it because I still have the document, (who knows, I might just post the entire document one day LOL), He said, in quote, “I want you to tell the story of your life through pictures”. At first, I did not understand what He meant by that. But day after day, I continued to seek Him, and I continued to write down everything He told me on the document. And one day, God told me to research some cameras and equipment. And as I was doing some research, I came across a lens at Sony that said in its footnotes, “Great for photojournalism”. At the time, I had no idea what photojournalism was, but something told me to look it up, so I did. And through research, I concluded that photojournalism was about telling stories through pictures. And that’s what God wanted me to do, but slightly different. He was telling me that He wants me to share the stories of my life, the “harvest life”; a life that has changed so much and is changing constantly. To share the stories of this life, the life of being the man God needs me to be, the man God grew me into. A harvest. A man who bears fruit that he has grown in and is still growing in, so that others may reap of that fruit and become the harvests that they were meant to be. To share the ups, the downs, the hardships, the pleasures, and the heartaches. To share the experience of living this life with Christ, and what it feels like to do so.

And the way that I do that? Well, one way is by blogging. I remember when God led me to watch a particular video of a guy explaining why it’s a good idea to have a blog. And then God led me to create this website. And that is what I do now. The very thing that God told me to do. This is not my thing; this is God’s. He had a purpose for me. Which is still, to this day, so astonishing to me. Of all people, me? Why? I was not willing. There were multiple times when He could’ve given up on me and moved on. But He stayed, He continued to press on me. He continued to allow me to feel things that would assist me in moving. He placed a seed in me long ago, and now it’s grown to be Harvested Moments. I went from not knowing, to knowing. From not knowing peace, to knowing it. From not knowing God, to knowing Him and having an amazing relationship with Him. From not knowing my purpose, to knowing that I am well on my way and on the road to finding out. There are still days when I feel weary in my faith and in my spirit. But I serve the Lord; there is nothing that can take me away from the work and word God gave me. It is a work of life and life more abundantly for not just me, but for others. I always thought I needed to be at my worst to see a change. When really, I just needed to hate my way of life enough to choose God’s way. I needed to hate my way of life enough to move with God and His way of life. To choose Him over everything else. I realize that this journey of mine is fruit in itself. Someone will be able to grow from hearing this part of my journey, even if it is just one person. And I am thankful that God has blessed me with this piece of my purpose and not the things I asked Him for outside of my purpose. He blessed me with my work so that in Him, I may be a blessing to others. Now, if you’ve read all of that, and you are reading this now, thank you. Thank you for sticking around to the end and hearing about my journey up to this point. There is a lot more God is doing, and there is so much more that He needs me to share. I pray that you'll stick around to experience the amazing journeys that lie ahead, not only in my life, but also in others, guided by God's hand.

God bless you all.